West Wendover Casinos set to reopen with safety precautions

It was getting really tedious to edit a post with over 100 casinos in it. So I'm breaking it up to Nevada casinos and non-Nevada casinos.
If you are reporting about a casino, could you please try to include the following:

• Name of the casino
• Where it's located
• What time of day and is it a weekday or weekend?
• Max odds
• Field pays
• Side bets available (Repeater, ATS, Firebet)
• Are there dividers or how many are shooting per side

The more information we have, the better off we will be.
We all know that tables can change rapidly. I saw a table go from 25 to 15 to 100 at the Flamingo in the course of a few hours. I'll try to keep the mins what is reported the most and add other information in the comments like "found this table at $5 on graveyard shift" so people konw that isn't the norm
These tables can be a pain to maintain, so please provide as much information as possible. An informed roller is a beter roller.

Vegas Strip Casnio	WeekDay Min	WeekNight Min	WeekendMin	WeeknightMin	MaxOdds	Field Pay	Sidebet	Dividers/Per Side	Last Update	Comments
Aria	25	25	25	25	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	10/27
Ballys	10	15	10	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	No	9/3
Bellagio	15	25	25	50	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Yes	9/3
Caesars	25	25-50	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	No	8/25
Cosmo	25-50	50-100	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	8/22
Cromwell	10	10	15	15	100X	Unknown	ATS	Unknown	11/24
Encore	10	10	10	10	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Yes, on some tables	8/12
Excalibur	10	10	10	15	3x4x5x	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	11/24	crapless is usually $10. Bubble craps $5
Flamingo	10-15	15-25	Unknown	25	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	9/29	$100 table at times.
Harrah's	15	25	25	25	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	No	8/22
Linq	15	15	Unknown	25	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	No	8/22
Luxor	10	10	15	15	3x4x5x	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Updated 9/13
Mandalay Bay	15	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown
MGM Grand	10	25	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Yes	Unkown
Mirage	15	25	Unknown	Unknown Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Yes	9/29
NY/NY	15	15-25	15	15-25	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Yes	10/27
Osheas	Unknown	15	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown
Paris	15	15	15	25	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	No	11/9
Park MGM	10	15	15	15	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	11/6
Sahara	5	10	10	10	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	8/15
Strat	10	10	10	25	10X	Unknown	Unknown	No	11/24
Treasure Island	15	15	15	15	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	No	9/4
Tropicana	10	10	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	No	11/24
Venetian	25	25	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	No	8/22
Wynn	10	10	10	10	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Yes, on some tables	10/1

Downtown	WeekDay Min	WeekNight Min	WeekendMin	WeeknightMin	MaxOdds	Field Pay	Sidebet	Dividers/Per Side	Last Update	Comments
Binions	5	10	5	10	5X	Unknown	None	Unknown	11/14	Binions had $5 table several times (opens at 10)
California	10	10	10	10	2X	Unknown	None	Unknown	10/27	Tables open at 11AM
Circa	15	25	15	25	3/4/5X	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	11/2	$10 tables in the mornings have been reported.
The D	15	15	15	15-25	10X	Unknown	ATS	No glass	Updated 9/4
Downtown Grand	10	10	10	Unknown	10X	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	11/14	Table opens at noon.
El Cortez	10	10	10	10	10X	Unknown	None	Yes, some tables	9/4
Jerrys Nugget	3	3	3	3	Unknown	Unknown	ATS	3/None	10/27
Four Queens	5	10	5	10	5X	Unknown	Unknown	No	11/14	$5 tables can be found on some days
Fremont	10	10	10	Unknown	2X	None	Unknown	No	8/10
Golden Gate	10-15	15	15	Unknown	10X	Unknown	ATS	No	8/28	(GG has been 15 some mornings dropping to 10 later in the day)
Golden Nugget	10-15	10	Unknown	3/4/5X	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	No	8/18	$15 with one table open on 8/18
Plaza	10	10	Unknown	Unknown	10X	Unknown	None	No	9/4

OffStrip Casnio	WeekDay Min	WeekNight Min	WeekendMin	WeeknightMin	MaxOdds	Field Pay	Sidebet	Dividers/Per Side	Last Update	Comments
Aliante	10	10	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown
Boulder Station	10	10	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown
Cannery	5	5	5	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Firebet	4 per side	8/31
Ellis Island	5	5	5	5	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	8/17	Craps table opens up at 10am and its 5 dollars 90% of the time
Gold Coast	10	10	10	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	No	9/16
Green Valley Ranch	10	10	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown
M Resort	10	10	10	10	3x4x5x	Unknown	Unknown	No 3/side	11/24
The Orleans	10	15	10	15	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	No	9/16
Palace Station	10	10	10	Unknown	Unknown		ATS And Firebet	Unknown	9/17
Red Rock	10	15	15	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	8/14
Sahara	5	5	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	11/24
Sams Town	15	15	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	No	8/15	1 table
South Point	5	5	5	10	2X	Unknown	None	No	10/27
Strat	5	10	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown
Suncoast	10	10	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	No	10/6
Sunset Station	5	5	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown
Westgate			15	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	8/24

OtherNV Casnio	WeekDay Min	WeekNight Min	WeekendMin	WeeknightMin	MaxOdds	Field Pay	Sidebet	Dividers/Per Side	Last Update	Comments
Cactus Pete's (Jackpot)	5	5	5	5	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	No	9/29
Aquariums (Laughlin)	5	5	10	10	Unknown	Unknown	ATS	No	9/29
Edgewater (Laughlin)	10	10	10	10	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	9/29
Gold Nugget (Laughlin)	5	5	10	10	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	No	9/29	Opened at noon
Harrahs (Laughlin)	10	10	10	10	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	No	9/29
Tropicana (Laughlin)	10	10	10	10	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	9/29	Opened at 6PM on weekeday
Atlantis (Reno)	5/10	5/10	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	SharpShooter	Unknown	9/29	3 tables on weekends
Cal Neva (Reno)	5	5	10	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	ATS	Unknown	9/12
Eldorado (Reno)	5	10	10	25	Unknown	Unknown	Fire	Unknown	9/12
Grand Sierra (Reno)	15	15-25	15	25	Unknown	Unknown	ATS	Unknown	9/29
The Nuggett (Reno)	5	5	5	5	Unknown	Unknown	Fire	Unknown	8/22
Peppermill (Reno)	5	5	10	10	Unknown	Unknown	none	Unknown		3 craps tables
Sands (Reno)	5	5	5	5	Unknown	Unknown	none	Unknown	8/22
Silver Legacy (Reno)	10	25	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Fire	Unknown
Western Village (Reno)	1	1	1	1	Unknown	Unknown	None	Unknown	8/22
Hard Rock (Tahoe)	5	5	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown
Harrahs (Tahoe)	10	10	25	25	ATS	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	10/14
Harveys (Tahoe)	10	10	15	15	ATS and Fire	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	10/14
Montbleu (Tahoe)	10	15	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown
Nugget (Wendover)	5	5	5	5		Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	7/31
Peppermill (Wendover)	5	5	10	10	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	7/31
Rainbow (Wendover)	5	5	10	10	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	Unknown	7/31

Part 1. It's getting buried so I figured we would make a new one.
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

So this was a few years back I was 15 and now I’m currently 19 so the details are a bit fuzzy. I had a “difficult trip” I guess? It wasn’t bad but it wasn’t always good either. I thought I was going to die multiple times and I also had waves of pure euphoria scattered between it. Honestly it was probably the most educational trip I’ve had so far. And I’ve tripped a lot since then. Mostly acid and lsa and yopo snuff. I’ve done shrooms a handful of times and would like to further explore them but they’re hard to come across in my area. Anyways enough of a rundown. It was my first trip and I had two tabs of some strong “double dipped” acid. I’m guessing they were 250ug each and I drop them both in a hotel room with my friend at the time who was going to be my sitter. We were in Wendover with his parents in aother room. The come up was slower than I thought and I began to worry that maybe it wasn’t actually acid or that I was ripped off. But then it hit. It hit harder than my other trips following it. It was like one moment nothing blink then slight patterns emerged. It was hard but nothing like dmt is described as. More like I opened my eyes and realized they were there and always have been. And I realize that people do stupid things on this stuff at that time so I give my friend my pocket knife and belt because I was in a bad place and I wanted guidance from my subconscious to aid with it. (Moderately suicidal, self harming, depressed, and battling severe anxiety since childhood at the time) he takes it and hides them from me while I go to the vending machine because I could still tolerate the mild effects, I was also an avid pot smoker so it felt similar just breathing and faint patterns on everything I saw. The trip was good for a while after that I just chilled out on the second bed and chatted with my buddy and spoke about things we usually talked about as freshmen. Skip forward it’s around midnight or so and the walls begin to breath heavily. Like they seemed livid with me. They start to feel like they’re closing in and I freak out and begin pushing the walls back to prevent my friend and myself from being crushed like the scene from Star Wars. The walls begin to calm down within a few minutes. And now that I don’t feel like I’m about to be juiced like an orange I lay down on the bed and stare at the ceiling watching the patterns and shapes cascade and dance around each other like a carefully coordinated ballet. I remember that it affects your pupils so I rush to the mirror and stare into my eyes. My face has floral patterns that look almost engraved into my flesh like I took a nap face down on a intricately woven web of fine rope. They move with my facial features and expressions. They’re awe inspiring and just stunningly beautiful. And then I get fixated on my eyes they’re huge my pupils are the size of nickels and there’s only a thin line of vibrant green around them. I feel as if I’m being pulled into them and I get closer to the mirror and I feel like if I go any closer I might be sucked into my two iris encircled black holes within my eye sockets. I drink some water from the tap and go back to the room. My friend has passed out by then probably slumped from trying to out smoke me earlier that day. I decide that I have the rest of the night for myself. I fuck around a bit walk around the casino/hotel in my sweats and socks just exploring the bright colorful lights and being in awe at everything as if I’m a child discovering the world for the first time. I feel like I might get lost if I go much further so I head back. I start feeling a sense of dread. What if I took too much. Could I overdose? Am I dying? My mind quickly falls into a negative spiral I google all my questions and the information I come across relieves me and I find I need to use the bathroom. I head in and do my business. As I’m sitting on the bowl I hear water drops I look behind the toilet and see water dripping from the pipes. I watch it and it puts me into a trance with the methodical drip drop splash drip drop splash. I sit there watching it for what feels like an eternity then I notice the water is pooling into the grout between the tiles. The water spreads faster as soon as I notice it till there’s a lattice of water around my feet and across the whole floor. This spooks next because the water if filling too quick. It begins to rise. It covers my feet within seconds and soon after it’s to my knees. I go for the door but can’t figure out the lock. I look back and see that it’s up to my chest. I know I’m going to die now. I’m going to drown. I decide that it’ll hurt more if I fight the water tearing into my lungs so I close my eyes and wait till I feel it above my head and take the deepest breath I could muster. And nothing. No pain. No sensation of suffocation or water in my lungs. I’m baffled. My eyes are still closed and I hear the dripping again. Same tempo. I slowly open my eyes afraid of what I might see. And there’s no water anywhere. I’m relieved. But there is something peculiar. A small dotted line moving towards the wall. I inspect it closer and there are these single file insects. They’re not like anything I’ve seen. They resembled ants only they had 4 body segments and 8-12 legs with no antena but they were the glossiest black I’ve ever seen and they’re crawling under the baseboard. I watch them for another 20 minutes or so and go back to bed and close the lights off. I try to sleep but to no avail. My closed eyes visuals are through the roof. Fireworks in 3D and shapes I can’t describe colors impossible to Imagine and I swear I was seeing higher dimensional shapes. Eventually I wonder what the open eyed visuals will be like. And when I do open them I see this tall figure in the darkness standing over my bed. He had no face he’s thin and slender. He seems as if he’s watching me. I was startled at first but he didn’t intimidate or scare me. I felt as if he was there as a protector. He was there to keep me safe. I expressed my gratitude to him and closed my eyes again. When I opened them next he was gone but there was a woman in the painting at the wall to my feet. She looked like medusa with her tongue flailing at me. I smiled and saw the beauty in her. But I felt that there was still caution to be held with her presence. I grow uneasy in the dark so I turn the lights back on and begin sitting and thinking observing my thoughts and focusing on the extravagant visuals and patterns that seem to be growing stronger. I see a thing looking at me in my peripherals and when I look it darts behind the corner so I shrug it off. I see it again. Same thing I look at it and it hides from me. I do this 5 or so times then grow irritated. I drowned and lived. I faced the snake lady in the painting and lied still and in peace while the 7 foot shadow man watched me. This thing can’t faze me now. I’ve conquered many of my problems. This must be the final boss so I go to the corner where it is and within a few seconds I see a furry creature hunched over with claws and gnarled teeth it looks at me and disappears as if it was never there. I can’t remember much else between then and when we needed to load up and head back home. But on the trip there I still felt like I was tripping just not as hard. Thoughts were more profound and the clouds were a metallic chrome with a rainbow lining. (Fuck silver linings this was way better) but the 3 hour trip gave me much time to reflect on my experience. I had to work when I got back at the snow cone shack in town so nothing too serious. I draw a lot. On paper and on my friends arm. And end up passing out at a little before close, luckily it was dead and my coworker was understanding and generous. She gave me a ride back home and I promptly go to bed and get my well deserved rest.
I’ll pictures of the snake lady and the drawings. Also none of my other experiences have been nearly this visually potent. Except for the time I met a god on mushrooms.
https://imgur.com/gallery/T66kKw3
Edit: since then I’ve tried to draw the visuals I see on paper every time I trip.
Cheers guys and happy tripping. I hope you all unlock the secrets to your souls and begin to understand the many mysteries of the infinite universe.

Hey guys! So I wanted to get a transcript of this vid
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7cjIWMUgPtY
So I went to
https://downsub.com/
which resulted in a .srt file with this kind of content

1 00:00:01,069 00:00:03,610 This video was made possible by Squarespace. 2 00:00:03,610 00:00:08,960 Build your beautiful website for 10% off at squarespace.com/Wendover. 

I'm only interested in the text so I wrote a small python script to remove this! I noticed that every line that starts with a number needs to go, so I did this in main.py in the same folder as the original .srt file

with open('sub.srt') as f: for line in f: if line[0].isdigit(): # if line starts with number pass else: with open('sub-clean.txt','a') as out: out.write(line) 

Quick, dirty, and it does the trick! This is why I love Python! Resulting output file

This video was made possible by Squarespace. Build your beautiful website for 10% off at squarespace.com/Wendover. According to conventional economic rules, casinos shouldn’t be able to exist. That’s because conventional economic rules assume humans are rational. Conventional economic rules would predict that, if someone offered you a deal where you gave them $100 and they gave you $94.80 back you wouldn’t take that deal but fo 

I originally posted this in TIFU. it was rejected because of the violence. Judge away internet, I deserve it.
This happened in April 2002. I am sorry about the length and grammatical errors. I am deeply shaken with guilt.
Back Story: I got out of the Army in 1996. I had a 6-year reserve commitment after I got out. The only reserve units that are Infantry were California Army National Guard. It wasn't for me. The only thing similar to the regular Army was the uniforms. I applied for and received an early Honorable Discharge. The catch was I would be placed on IRR (Inactive Ready Reserve) for 8 years. Fast forward to September 22, 2001. I got a phone call notifying me that I was being called to active duty. In April 02, I was given leave and started the journey home from Afganistan. I don’t know if it was jumping straight from civilian to soldier or being less than 4 days removed from combat but I was a mess. By the time I landed in Utah I met another Infantry soldier whom was equally a mess. Let’s call him Rick he was about 4 years younger than me. Rick and I made plans to ditch the rest of our connecting flights, rent a car and drive to the nearest Casino in Wendover Nevada. We were drunk. Really Drunk when we realized Wendover Nevada at 2 AM has zero fuckable women and Wells Nevada has a brothel. We stumbled to the valet for the keys. We were met by the casino manager and were handed complimentary room keys and told the valet was closed and we would have to wait until morning. Rick was fighting furious about them not letting us have the car. He threw a punch at the guy. I grabbed him and convinced him to walk with me. We walked up the strip and eventually came up with a plan to stop by the liquor store and find a hotel. We stumbled into a convenience store parking lot and I noticed a man just screwing his gas cap onto his 80’s 2 door Chevy. I saw the other guy sitting in the front seat and just said to Rick, “get in” just as the man reached for his door handle. As the door opened I grabbed a handful of his hair, pulled his face close to mine a growled, “get in the back.” Rick Slung the other door open and started punching the other guy in the face and the only place he could escape to was the backseat. I pulled out of the parking lot and as I did I said to Rick, “watch them until we can secure them, they have not been cleared”. Rick turned in his seat got on his knees so he could see them and screamed, “If you fucking move I will kill you! Take off your shirt now mother fucker!” He punched both men repeatedly until I was able to get out of town and pull over. (less than 5 minutes) We spent the next 20 or so minutes striping them, tieing them with their own clothes, and going back and forth between holding a knife to their throats and making the stabbing motion to them while they were tied up on their knees. (The passenger had a small knife in his pocket) We placed them in the trunk and 2 hours later we arrived in Wells. I had honestly made a plan to kill them. As I wondered around the desert just outside of town looking for an appropriate size bolder to smash their heads with Rick popped the trunk, untied the driver, put him in the driver’s seat, and told them to run. They did. They never looked back. We hitched back to Windover the next morning. If you ever see this helpless terrified men I did this too. I am truly sorry.

Since Ol' Woody has been mentioned in several threads here of late I'm adding a story about him and a list of his tweets created by an exmo, Book of Mordor.
The Tweets of Wilford Woodruff
Introduction
At the end of an artfully concealed passageway within the F (First Presidency's) Vault at Granite Mountain can be found a hidden trap door leading to a secret sub-basement. Using my special set of skills, I had navigated my way into this forgotten room. I passed by the Liahona, the Sword of Laban, what looked like a Jaredite-barge shining stone thingy, and the head of Shiz in a jar; these trifles were not the reason for my dangerous and clandestine visit. I found myself sweating and mopped my face with the nearby Title of Liberty.
In the far corner of the sub-basement, I spotted an opening in the floor. Creeping over for a closer look, I beheld a spiral staircase winding endlessly down into the abyssal blackness. Eldritch symbols and unsettling images were engraved upon its cold steps, but I knew that I must descend, for the mysterious Fat Man had insisted there was no other way. My flashlight flickered and I hoped that I had inserted alkaline batteries instead of the cheap regular ones.
At length, I arrived at the nethermost alcove below the mountain. And there! next to the casks of Amontillado I spied the prize and object of my search: a small locked wooden box. But not just any box, for it contained a priceless artifact. I promptly seized the box and got the hell out of there.
Returning to my room at the Crystal Inn Hotel in Murray, I brought out the key which had proven so difficult to procure. If you can recall that one "Pirates" scene with Will Turner and a sleeping Davy Jones at the organ, you get the idea. But that tale I dare not relate in full. Suffice it to say that the telling would cause men to weep and women to giggle.
My hand trembled as the key turned and the lock clicked open. I slowly raised the lid and at last gazed with wonder on that for which I had risked all. With my heart pounding, I removed it, and so I now hold...the Flash Drive of the Prophets.
The Flash Drive of the Prophets! Naught but rumors and whispers can be heard about it from the wizened merchants who lurk in the dark recesses of City Creek Center. To think that I am now in possession of it is almost more than I can bear. But I must make haste, and share what I can of the supernal treasures stored on it. And so I present to you, dear readers, the Tweets of Wilford Woodruff.
@Big_Ol_Woody - Getting dunked a mormon in a few. Gonna be an #IceBath, f**king freezing!!! 10:48 AM Ð 31 Dec 1833
@Big_Ol_Woody - @ParleyPPratt says I have 2 go 2 some podunk place called Kirtland. Pratt's a horse's @$$ control freak. Why do I have this urge 2 run? 3:41 PM Ð 1 Apr 1834
@Big_Ol_Woody - Meeting the big guy @JosephSmithJr now. Hairy dude. Whats up w/ all the girls & can I get some? 11:22 AM Ð 25 Apr 1834
@Big_Ol_Woody - Showed JS a leg bone & arrowhead. He's #OffHisMeds, starts on about a white Indian named Zelph. Great prophet Onandagus, I call bulls**t. 1:14 PM Ð 3 Jun 1834
@Big_Ol_Woody - Mission, WTF?!? No one told me that! #BaitAndSwitch 10:58 AM Ð 11 Nov 1834
@Big_Ol_Woody - Movin on up, in the 1Q70 now. Gonna get small folks 2 #PaintMyHouse 4 me. ROFL! 12:39 PM Ð 3 Jan 1837
@Big_Ol_Woody - Got me some action at last ABOUT TIME! Phoebe's 30 like me not a babe but I'll take it. JS promised me a bunch more later haha. 8:03 AM Ð 14 Apr 1837
@Big_Ol_Woody - Another mission?! Finally getting laid & have 2 leave again, whats wrong w/ u ppl? 11:40 AM Ð 9 May 1837
@Big_Ol_Woody - Made APOSTLE 2day! JACKPOT!! I'm famous, u must all BOW DOWN BE4 ME! 3:11 PM Ð 26 Apr 1839
@Big_Ol_Woody - Another fking mission. England this time. Fk. 8:46 AM Ð 8 Aug 1839
@Big_Ol_Woody - Dunked 600 chumps past 6 wks. @JohnTaylor had the idea, calls it #CricketBaptisms. Seems 2 work. 11:17 PM Ð 10 Apr 1840
@Big_Ol_Woody - Seeing Phoebe soon, YES! Horny as all s**t, have 2 make up 4 lost time. 9:43 AM Ð 2 Jun 1841
@Big_Ol_Woody - JS showed me the "Urem&Thumem" (sp?) 2day. Just a f**king rock but had 2 make a HUGE deal like OMG! OMG, faint! LOL!! Rube. 7:09 PM Ð 27 Dec 1841
@Big_Ol_Woody - Goofy s**t around here starting 2 get 2 me. Seeing stream of light in sky shaped like sword. Must be going crazy. 8:21 PM Ð 10 Mar 1843
@Big_Ol_Woody - Oh my head. F**king sky sword changed in2 a ring w/ balls of light inside. JS says sky sword means big war coming. #NauvooMadHouse 9:12 PM Ð 14 Mar 1843
@Big_Ol_Woody - BIG DAY 2DAY GETTIN MY SECOND ANOINTING ON!!! #GoldenTicket #IGotMine 10:02 AM Ð 28 Jan 1844
@Big_Ol_Woody - Moved in2 new house yesterday. Got it "broken in" last nite w/ Phoebe heh. Life = good. 8:31 AM Ð 5 Mar 1844
@Big_Ol_Woody - Another mission ARE YOU F**KING KIDDING ME??? Want 2 kick JS in the nutz. #LoserTyrant 4:04 PM Ð 6 May 1844
@Big_Ol_Woody - OHHH S**T reading in Boston paper JS shot, killed. Bet that SOB Young is gonna try 2 take over. Not good. Need 2 get drunk fast. 3:50 PM Ð 9 Jul 1844
@Big_Ol_Woody - Its over. #TheBrigham is prez now. Every1 else kissed butt so couldn't say anything. Have 2 play nice. F**k we're doomed. 2:57 PM Ð 8 Aug 1844
@Big_Ol_Woody - Another mission 2 #Europe but it's OK this time b/c I'm MP now & can order every1 around. #HastenTheWork serfs!! 12:25 PM Ð 12 Aug 1844
@Big_Ol_Woody - Back in Nauvoo again WhereTF is every1? Half the town gone. Oh well got 2 run home I have DEEP blue balls LOL! 3:33 PM Ð 13 Apr 1846
@Big_Ol_Woody - Some army jerkwad wants volunteers 4 #MexicanWar. F**k that. Where were u earlier? Passed buck up 2 #TheBrigham. 11:20 AM Ð 26 Jun 1846
@Big_Ol_Woody - Marrying 3 chix 2day have #HaremOf4 SWEEEET!! Mary A's 28 Mary C's 17 Sarah's 18 & I can hardly wait! Phoebe not happy TFB. 8:44 AM Ð 2 Aug 1846
@Big_Ol_Woody - Teenage wives a pain, want guys their own age. Can't figure it out. BE GONE YE HARLOTS! Just the 2 wifeys 4 now. 10:55 AM Ð 29 Aug 1846
@Big_Ol_Woody - OW FK A TREE JUST FELL ON ME FK GODDAM S**T THAT HURTS OW OW 2:27 PM Ð 15 Oct 1846
@Big_Ol_Woody - Both wives preg, always complaining about something SHUT IT! Leaving em 2 each other 4 female bonding. ROAD TRIP YEAH!! 4:06 PM Ð 5 Apr 1847
@Big_Ol_Woody - This place is a dump, total #ForsakenWasteland. Deseret my @$$. BY = idiot. 9:56 AM Ð 24 Jul 1847
@Big_Ol_Woody - Climbing a mountain 2day. Full suit tie & vest. Fk I'm hot tired & #NeedABath. It's never enough is it BY? Never fking enough. Ever. 12:34 PM Ð 26 Jul 1847
I have been discovered. My actions here have alerted the Strengthening Church Members Committee. Even as I write I can hear Danite footsteps echoing in the hall. I must escape. Brethren, hasta ma–ana.
Praise Darwin, I have outwitted my foes. Oaks' Blokes chased me down the fire stairs and into the hotel lobby, but I threw down some banana peels upon which they slipped and fell. My northern and eastern escape routes were too heavily guarded, and Wendover is a hole. I have turned south and found refuge in Santaquin, but cannot linger.
@Big_Ol_Woody - F**ked up dream, prob drank 2 much #barleycorn. Saw JS & a lot of ppl in white robes making crowns. Have 2 get off the stuff. 2:17 AM Ð 16 Mar 1848
@Big_Ol_Woody - Mary A divorcing me 2morrow WTF is going on? Not like I've been away from home neglecting her, oh wait I did. All right go then. S**t. 1:51 PM Ð 10 May 1848
@Big_Ol_Woody - Have 2 tell BY I need women 2 #LiveUp2Privileges. Down 2 only Phoebe since last divorce, not enough. Must find #PerkyBoobs soon. 10:03 AM Ð 16 Mar 1852
@Big_Ol_Woody - S**t, have 2 marry this widow named Mary, she's 48. Older than me. Guess #TheBrigham is pissed at me. Need 2 brown nose again. 9:26 PM Ð 27 Mar 1852
@Big_Ol_Woody - Mary died 2day so just 1 wife again. We can #KeepEmComing tho. Have another picked out already, Clarissa's 17. 6:16 PM Ð 3 Oct 1852
@Big_Ol_Woody - #TheBrigham dedicating #SLTemple site, droning on & on & on. Will NOT close pie hole. Want 2 go home, drink #beer. 11:41 AM Ð 14 Feb 1853
@Big_Ol_Woody - Bad luck w/ teens, Clarissa divorced me 2. Trying again 2day w/ 2 new hotties, Emma 15 & Sarah 19. I'm 46 haha. SCORE. 8:28 AM Ð 13 Mar 1853
@Big_Ol_Woody - Off again, have 2 travel across the fking country 2 buy st 4 the #DeseretAlphabet. Just another wild hair out of BY's @$$. 9:02 AM Ð 3 Mar 1856
@Big_Ol_Woody - Addressed bumpkins in conf 2day in favor of #handcart ops. All have 2 back #TheBrigham on this or else. #NoConscience 3:23 PM Ð 6 Oct 1856
@Big_Ol_Woody - Promised hayseeds some would be alive 4 return of #TenTribes & give em endowments. Never know what the f**k I'm talking about. 1:57 PM Ð 22 Feb 1857
@Big_Ol_Woody - OH: @JamesBuchanan 2 send in US Army. ROFLMAO!! #BringItOn, Prez! We shall summon mighty earthquakes 2 swallow you up!! 12:08 PM Ð 24 Jul 1857
@Big_Ol_Woody - Another wife 2day! 9th overall but 4th staying. Hard 2 keep track. Sarah Delight's just 19 say hi 2 Mr. Woodruff! #DelightMe 11:01 AM Ð 31 Jul 1857
@Big_Ol_Woody - @JohnDLee ran in 2day shouting about #MountainMeadows something? Said Indians killed ppl. Yawn. BFD, need 2 get ready 4 army. 3:47 PM Ð 29 Sep 1857
@Big_Ol_Woody - Spoke 2day in the Tab, said #God progressing in knowledge & power. Crowd ate it up, go figure. These dips**ts believe everything. 2:24 PM Ð 6 Dec 1857
@Big_Ol_Woody - Running away 2 Provo since army's almost here. Expected #God 2 send down useful s**t like #FlamingAngels but nope. #WhatElseIsNew 9:05 AM Ð 7 Apr 1858
@Big_Ol_Woody - Yeah right wool. Nothin better 2 wear in CK huh Heber u jackhole? RT @HeberCKimball: Peter wore wool when he came 2 Kirtland temple 3:46 PM Ð 9 Feb 1862
@Big_Ol_Woody - Emma ready 2 pop any day, Delight 3 mo along. Sarah's turn 2 receive some laying on of hands & gift of the holy spurt haha. 6:58 PM Ð 29 Jan 1863
@Big_Ol_Woody - Prophesied Albany 2 be destroyed by fire, Boston by tidal wave, NYC by quake. BY stood up & agreed. We're just makin it all up as we go. 4:12 PM Ð 21 Aug 1863
@Big_Ol_Woody - Emma & Delight WAY preggers & HUUUGE, Sarah busy nursing kid last 8 mo, Phoebe's 61, nowhere 2 go 4 sugar. 2:35 PM Ð 13 Jul 1868
@Big_Ol_Woody - Have 2 put up w/ this batst EVERY SINGLE FKING DAY around here. RT @BrighamYoung: #Sun & #Moon are inhabited 5:00 PM Ð 24 Jul 1870
@Big_Ol_Woody - Think I finally did it, 3 wives prego at same time. D*ck is sore tho & G's rub against it fierce. #NoSpermLeft, balls shrunk 2 pea size. 10:42 PM Ð 21 Nov 1872
@Big_Ol_Woody - OH: rumor #PolandAct passed by @Congress yesterday, easier 2 prosecute plyg. We will DIE be4 we abandon plyg!!! #NoSurrender 10:29 AM Ð 24 Jun 1874
@Big_Ol_Woody - Got the shaft again. I'm older than Taylor, next in line but fking Q12 jumped him ahead of me just b/c he was ordained 1st. Hate u fks. 1:48 PM Ð 10 Apr 1875
@Big_Ol_Woody - Talked again about #TenTribes coming soon. Might even convince myself of this s**t someday. #NotGonnaHappen 2:45 PM Ð 24 Jun 1875
@Big_Ol_Woody - Told everybody 2day that #Millennium is dawning soon blah blah. Would be amazed if anything I said ever actually happened. 3:31 PM Ð 12 Sep 1875
@Big_Ol_Woody - Meeting w/ @UlyssesSGrant, as usual #TheBrigham is boring the living s**t out of the Prez. Put a sock in it 4 once u douche. 10:18 AM Ð 3 Oct 1875
@Big_Ol_Woody - BY said 2 write temple s**t down. Started last Nov u dumb coot. Will make this crapola all scary weird w/ #BloodOaths 2 freak ppl out haha. 12:32 PM Ð 14 Jan 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - Think BY likes me b/c he's giving me his daughter Eudora 2morrow. She's 24 & OK I guess. Can't do s**t at 70 tho. 5:22 PM Ð 9 Mar 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - #TheBrigham doesnt like me after all, I get now why he dumped his daughter on me. Well played BY. 11:14 AM Ð 11 Mar 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - You'll NEVER believe this!! Bunch of ghosts in wigs just showed up in SG Temple! G-Wash, T-Jef, B-Frank, all of em! OMG SICK!!! 12:56 PM Ð 19 Aug 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - Now they're all #BooHoo about no temple work 4 em yet. Waited soooo long wah wah wah. Scuse us guys we've been busy. 12:59 PM Ð 19 Aug 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - Introducing themselves 1 by 1. BORRRING. U signed #DeclarationOfIndependence? Never heard of most of these ppl. Who are all u jokers?? 1:07 PM Ð 19 Aug 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - Button Gwinet? (sp?) WTF stupid name is Button? Wait til I tell BY's kid Mahonri Moriancumer Young, he'll die laughing. Button, ROFL!! 2:21 PM Ð 19 Aug 1877
I hear voices in the distance, shouts of "Oh, fetch!" coming closer. How did they find me so quickly? Into the night once more. Brethren, peace out.
Again I have survived. The fools really ought to remove their sunglasses at night, but it seems to be against the rules. They left only the chauffeur to guard their car, a custom 2013 Bentley Mulsanne bearing the license plate "MONSON6." (How many does he have?) I dispatched the poor fellow using a can of Mountain Dew heavily laced with Ex-Lax, then drove away. I exited the interstate at Nephi, later abandoned the Bentley in Milford and have made my way to Minersville. I should be safe here. No one has ever visited this town.
@Big_Ol_Woody - It's T-Jef by himself this time. Looks uncomfortable, says something about wants 2 marry #SallyHemings? I say IDK, need more info. 10:34 AM Ð 20 Aug 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - OK get this. So I pray & see Sally! HOLY S**T SMOKIN HOT!!! I get an idea, play cool, say sorry no, #CurseOfCain etc. He's sad & goes. 10:38 AM Ð 20 Aug 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - TJ's back. I offer 2 swap my 3rd, 4th & 6th wives 2 him 4 Sally. Don't fess up these 3 divorced me haha. He says he'll get back 2 me. 1:19 PM Ð 20 Aug 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - Can u f*king BELIEVE IT?!? #SelfishGhost said *NO 2 my trade!! T-JEF IS AN A-HOLE!!! #IWantSally 3:53 PM Ð 20 Aug 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - Got dunking done 4 all these dead guys & a few more. Got water up my nose LOL! #Columbus will be sooo grateful 2 me! 7:30 PM Ð 21 Aug 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - Just woke up from dream about Sally H, look down & ewwww gross!!! Long time since that happened, didn't know I still could haha! 1:16 AM Ð 25 Aug 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - BIG news! BY finally kicked it, seemed that tool would never go! Guess that HOT @AnnElizaWebb broke his heart. Annie #TelegraphMe anytime!! 11:57 PM Ð 29 Aug 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - At funeral of #TheBrigham, now I'm 1 step closer 2 prez. Snoozefest, bored 2 tears. Have 2 speak later, hope I can stay awake. 10:24 AM Ð 2 Sep 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - Eudora had son yesterday but he died. Time 2 visit Emma 4 replacement. Delight 7 mo preg wonder if she's OK haha. 8:29 AM Ð 2 Apr 1878
@Big_Ol_Woody - got 2 run n hide the us marshals r after me that bch eudora divorced me n ratted me out 2 the govt why do all these bches turn on me? 7:43 PM Ð 7 Feb 1879
@Big_Ol_Woody - Beware O Earth 4 the Hour of the Judgment of #God is Upon U! Seriously! I'm Not Kidding This Time, I Really Really Mean It!! 5:13 AM Ð 26 Jan 1880
@Big_Ol_Woody - Q12 droolers took my Jan nutter ramblings as the Word of #TheLord so it's official #revelation. Shaking my head, it's a #circus here. 4:48 PM Ð 4 Apr 1880
@Big_Ol_Woody - Talking on #SignsOfTimes, this generation 2 see return of JC blah blah blah. Have 2 keep it going til the gomers wise up 2 us. 3:17 PM Ð 3 Jul 1880
@Big_Ol_Woody - Telegram: Prez @ChesterAArthur signed #EdmundsAct yesterday. #TheLord shall PROTECT US as w/ FIRE ye MINIONS OF SATAN!!! 10:11 AM Ð 25 Mar 1882
@Big_Ol_Woody - Saw CK mansions in dream last nite, the best #HeavenlyArchitects were building em. Must be getting f**king senile or something. 6:06 AM Ð 30 Dec 1882
@Big_Ol_Woody - Have 2 go on the run again, gettin 2 old 4 this st. What a fking joke, not like I'm boning any1, #CantGetItUp w/ a pulley. 8:14 AM Ð 14 Jan 1885
@Big_Ol_Woody - GEO EDMUNDS & JOHN TUCKER BY THE POWER OF THE P/H IN THE NAME OF J-C I SENTENCE U BOTH 2 INSTANT DEATH & ETERNAL DAMNATION IN OUTER DARKNESS 10:59 AM Ð 14 Jan 1887
@Big_Ol_Woody - Did it work? 8:41 PM Ð 15 Jan 1887
@Big_Ol_Woody - F**k me we are so screwed 11:28 AM Ð 17 Jan 1887
@Big_Ol_Woody - OH: Taylor died yesterday so I'm prez now. Super, just f**king splendid. Can't even go 2 #outhouse w/ out being arrested. 1:15 PM Ð 26 Jul 1887
@Big_Ol_Woody - Put my foot in it again. Prophesied that SS & MIA kids in audience 2 live 2 see #SecondComing. I'll be long dead by then #SoSueMe. 11:03 AM Ð 29 Jul 1889
@Big_Ol_Woody - Ridiculous horses**t, surrounded by cretins. RT @OrsonFWhitney: JS: #TowerOfBabel built 2 reach #CityOfEnoch suspended in midair 10:37 PM Ð 22 Sep 1889
@Big_Ol_Woody - Another #revelation from #God hooray! Not going 2 give up plyg 2 become state. #TheKingdom doesn't take terms it makes em. 10:36 PM Ð 24 Nov 1889
@Big_Ol_Woody - Telegram: @SupremeCourt upheld #EdmundsTucker. #God promised 2 fight our f**king battles but chucked us, what a surprise. 9:44 AM Ð 20 May 1890
@Big_Ol_Woody - Time 2 give up plyg. Need 2 make up some lame@$$ excuse 4 blowhards like BY & Kimball & Pratt etc. Thx a heap #God big help u were. 1:54 PM Ð 24 Sep 1890
@Big_Ol_Woody - Have 2 #TapDance 4 every1 about why we caved after 50 yrs of big bulls**t CK promises & brave talk of US collapse. #EpicFail 9:49 AM Ð 6 Oct 1890
@Big_Ol_Woody - It's good. Said more crap about never leading the church astray, remove out of our place blah blah. Will all #BlowOverSoon, plebs wont remember. 11:10 AM Ð 6 Oct 1890
@Big_Ol_Woody - @JosephFSmith asked 4 chat w/ son J Fielding 2day his 15 bday. #WeirdKid if u ask me. Arrogant little f**k, not 2 sharp, kinda creepy. 1:42 PM Ð 19 Jul 1891
@Big_Ol_Woody - Dedicating #SLTemple 2day, hosanna, hosanna barf. Have #hangover, feel like s**t, might need #coffee 2 stay sharp haha. 9:19 AM Ð 6 Apr 1893
@Big_Ol_Woody - Told peasants in conf 2day #OMyFather is #revelation haha. Sometimes I kill me. 4:52 PM Ð 8 Oct 1893
@Big_Ol_Woody - B-Frank said hi in bizarro dream. Had long talk, he wanted more temple s**t done. I said OK if he would bug T-Jef about #SallyHemings. 3:46 AM Ð 20 Mar 1894
@Big_Ol_Woody - Utah state but w/ out plyg dammit. Bogus Ô89 #revelation was test from #God I bet. Uh yeah thats it. U cant criticize me I'm the profit. 12:08 PM Ð 4 Jan 1896
@Big_Ol_Woody - Conf talk earlier 2day, kids here 2 be alive 4 #SecondComing. Same ol s**t 60 yrs, they're just never gonna learn. Dumb@$$es 4ever. 6:25 PM Ð 8 Apr 1898
Betrayed! facepalm It must have been a local, besotted with the false promises of a special second anointing for my capture. If I could hie to Kolob Canyons I might yet stand a chance. I will return and report, should I live. Brethren, whatever.
The Tweets of Wilford Woodruff: The Hunt is On!
It has come to this at last. I was hotly pursued into Zion National Park and alas! have tragically lost the Flash Drive of the Prophets while scrambling over the lovely pink cliffs. I fear that it will never be found, save perhaps by an intrepid contributor to this board. Once I reach Mesquite I think I will be free. The Committee has no power beyond Utah, and the breakfast buffet at the Casa Blanca is not half bad. I thank you, dear readers, for your time and attention but damn I really must move or I am toast. Brethr
The Tweets of Wilford Woodruff: Epilogue
The boys were close on my heels all the way to St. George, where I ditched them for good as they were gorging on thirds at Golden Corral's dessert table. I held to the course of the Virgin River through Arizona, entering Nevada near Bunkerville. Being famished I was compelled to rustle and BBQ one of Cliven Bundy's cattle. And it came to pass that I arrived in Las Vegas clinging to the back of a big rig. I relax now poolside at Mandalay Bay Resort and Casino. All is well! My adventure is finished and I return to a normal existence, buying tequilas for sun-kissed topless honeys. I thank you once more for your kind attention. Brethren, I do.
The orignal article and other information about LDS Prophets is available here: http://www.salamandersociety.com/foyeprophets/